electric dandelions - lil darkie

entry1

29/6/25 made a blog thing separate to the main website. where i can vent my real feelings, i suppose. i dont think anyone will see this and hopefully no one i know does. these are just my thoughts and i might add or reword stuff fron time to time.

preservation of a time frame

30/6/25 i cut myself. i do it because i want to prove i need help. however, its not deep and it never scars. sometimes i dont really know why i do it. after all, just because someone's happy doesnt invalidate your happiness, why should it be different vice versa? i think i seek validation too much. why cant i find it within myself?
do i even want to get better? would people still care about me? or maybe they dont and never did. im so sick of myself.
haha someone please care about me i crave validation i want attention i want to be cared about haha please

performance makeup

25/7/25 im apparently going to get two awards for academics and house spirit. of course lmao i know i dont deserve these fucking awards and they just remind me of how much of a loser i am any fucking way. i know i got b's and it should've rounded to b's on my semester 1 report cus really im not hardworking at all and my grades are purely on luck. im a fucking fake and i know this but im not going to tell anyone because i am a pussy and the prideful part of me wants to seem smart lmfao. house spirit i barely even tried and didnt even participate in athletics so idfk how i got that and i dont even feel that much house pride. eventually ill get tired of trying and everyone will realise im a fucking lazy ass fraud and i dont belong anywhere.

the sower

30/6/25 i fucking hate my dad sometimes. the fucking hypocrite ai user retard that has a huge fucking ego. motherfucker exists as a negative presence for most of my life and expects me to respect him overnight when he's still the fuckass son of a bitch he always was. like, sure, hes gotten slightly better but this guy still OH MY FUCKING GOD i swear he makes me feel like i wont even care if he stumbled onto my rotting body at this point.

like growing an arm, for it to be torn off

30/6/25 i wish we were never a thing. every reminder of him makes me feel sick. i cant tell anyone about this either and what we did. part of me misses him and wants him back but another part hates him.
from a subjective point of view, he's not even someone i really want anyway. he's dry, homophobic and transphobic, get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out and doesnt like my humour. i dont like his humour or his friends.
this is a whole segment about his friends because oh my god his friends kinda suck ass. yeah i know im a shit individual but cmon. ben is a poser fuckass that doesnt like me most likely because he said shit about me, and fucking MARI. mari is some depressed loser online friend in new zealand thats kinda an asshole for no good reason. this kid joins ashton's spotify jam and deletes all my songs for some fucken reason. deadass what did i do. like hoe you cannot add your basic ass iron maiden and remove gojira. and she has a miku pfp and removes kikuo too for some reason. i feel like she has a chokehold on his personality and i suspect she's the cause of his current apparent vocaloid phase. actually, to her credit, i was always to some degree jealous of their relationship. maybe im the problem. and i am shit talking her on some random blog page.

what isnt

15/7/25 i wish i was more skilled. I should probably get stuff done and create more but im tired and i feel so fucking sick. almost all of my songs i wrote were about ~~fucking him~~ so yeah doesnt really make me want to live, also they just sound depressingly mid. my art also sucks ass like haha youve been drawing for nine years you still cant draw jack anatomy fucking blind idiot. my clay shit is breaking apart like my mental state but honestly im not too sad about that form of creative outlet. did i mention that im fuckin stupid? yeah i wasted so much of my life fucking around and ill never be as smart as the fuckass stem kids lmfao. holy shit im gonna kill myself when i turn 20.

youre irreplaceable

5/8/25 hey jewel. i think about you a lot. i know you were only my best friend for like three years, but i still miss you whenever i think about you. which is probably more than what youd think primary school exfriends would think about each other. its been ages, but i still sometimes stalk your socials like a loser lol. it seems youve been doing pretty well, i mean the tafe stuff youre doing looks really cool. i still find traces of who i remember you once were in your posts. do you still think about me? would you know or care if i took my life? i dont know why i still think about you, why i cant leave you in the past. i feel bad, honestly, for all my other friends. for some reason, ive never really valued them as much as i think i do you. it sounds like an asshole thing, i know. the only other person that really came close :( ended up hating me anyway. but youve always been here, a resident in my mind. maybe its stupid to miss you, to cry remembering what we were and never will be again. i hope youre happy; you deserve great things, and you probably deserve better than me anyway :).

fun and creative ways to use a tote bag

29/6/25 i have a suicide plan now. i mean ik what ill do. ill hang my tote bag from my ceiling fan, but i sorta tried that yesterday and i think im kinda too heavy. i dont think ill actually kill myself, but at least the option of a way out exists.
its funny though; the tote bag was a secret santa gift from year 7 from a kid named nina. she was a nice kid and i would've liked to be her friend if i wasnt emo and mute. i was fucking stupid and i wish i could go back. there are a lot of things id like to redo, but yk, can't.

7/8/25
but
sometimes taking a step forward means leaving a few things behind.
it's funny how now im revisiting this entry i made when i was feeling a but edgy. i guess im not exactly the best at communicating my thoughts, no. i finished arcane earlier today and that line really resonated with me. maybe burial of my feelings isnt exactly the best way to heal, but it at least muffles my hurt. maybe my burial will be cried over, but i will become nothing but a memory lost to time. well i sure am cringe haha uh