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continue?
so i guess this is where ill be.
entry1
29/6/25 made a blog thing separate to the main website. where i can vent my real feelings, i suppose. i dont think anyone will see this and hopefully no one i know does. these are just my thoughts and i might add or reword stuff fron time to time.
broken japanese pots
30/6/25 i often think im a bad person. maybe thats true, maybe its not. ive definitely displayed disappointing behaviour before. should i forgive? should i be forgiven? i sometimes wish i could go back and repick my choices, but that wont ever happen. even if i were to get better, i would still be tainted by what i once was. some people will hate me forever.
a mildly disappointing lack of scars
30/6/25 i cut myself. i do it because i want to prove i need help. however, its not deep and it never scars. sometimes i dont really know why i do it. after all, just because someone's happy doesnt invalidate your happiness, why should it be different vice versa? i think i seek validation too much. why cant i find it within myself?
do i even want to get better? would people still care about me? or maybe they dont and never did.
haha someone please care about me i crave validation i want attention i want to be cared about haha please
the sower
30/6/25 i fucking hate my dad sometimes. the fucking hypocrite ai user retard that has a huge fucking ego. motherfucker exists as a negative presence for most of my life and expects me to respect him overnight when he's still the fuckass son of a bitch he always was. like, sure, hes gotten slightly better but this guy still OH MY FUCKING GOD i swear he makes me feel like i wont even care if he stumbled onto my rotting body at this point.
like growing an arm, for it to be torn off
30/6/35 i wish we were never a thing. every reminder of him makes me feel sick. i cant tell anyone about this either and what we did. part of me misses him and wants him back but another part hates him.
from a subjective point of view, he's not even someone i really want anyway. he's dry, homophobic and transphobic, get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out and doesnt like my humour. i dont like his humour or his friends.
this is a whole segment about his friends because oh my god his friends kinda suck ass. yeah i know im a shit individual but cmon. ben is a poser fuckass that doesnt like me most likely because he said shit about me, and fucking MARI. mari is some depressed loser online friend in new zealand thats kinda an asshole for no good reason. this kid joins ashton's spotify jam and deletes all my songs for some fucken reason. deadass what did i do. like hoe you cannot add your basic ass iron maiden and remove gojira. and she has a miku pfp and removes kikuo too for some reason. i feel like she has a chokehold on his personality and i suspect she's the cause of his current apparent vocaloid phase. actually, to her credit, i was always to some degree jealous of their relationship. maybe im the problem. and i am shit talking her on some random blog page.
lost to the void of running time
15/7/25 i wish i was more skilled. I should probably get stuff done and create more but im tired and i feel so fucking sick. almost all of my songs i wrote were about fucking him so yeah doesnt really make me want to live, also they just sound depressingly mid. my art also sucks ass like haha youve been drawing for nine years you still cant draw jack anatomy fucking blind idiot. my clay shit is breaking apart like my mental state but honestly im not too sad about that form of creative outlet. did i mention that im fuckin stupid? yeah i wasted so much of my life fucking around and ill never be as smart as the fuckass stem kids lmfao. holy shit im gonna kill myself when i turn 20.
fun and creative ways to use a tote bag
29/6/25 i have a suicide plan now. i mean ik what ill do. ill hang my tote bag from my ceiling fan, but i sorta tried that yesterday and i think im kinda too heavy. i dont think ill actually kill myself, but at least the option of a way out exists.
its funny though; the tote bag was a secret santa gift from year 7 from a kid named nina. she was a nice kid and i would've liked to be her friend if i wasnt emo and mute. i was fucking stupid and i wish i could go back. there are a lot of things id like to redo, but yk, can't.
i miss people that i wish i didnt miss.